This Moment
by senbotsu
Summary: Wakka POV. He contemplates various ideas, including Lulu.


This Moment  
  
I held a blitzball in my hands. Its blue and white colours screamed up at me, demanding for me to give it a good kick. I almost did. The urge was so strong it seemed that I would be going against Yevon himself if I didn't make the ball move in any way, shape, or form. Instead, I gently placed the blitzball down on the ground and held it in place with my feet. I couldn't bring myself to look at it anymore. It brought memories back. Memories of happier times.  
  
Kind of out of character for me to be depressed, ya?  
  
I just can't help it. After all that has happened so far: Seymour proposing to Yuna, Seymour and his secrets, our attack on a maester, the Al Bhed, and many, many other things. It seems the unhappiness never ceases.  
  
What hit me the hardest was Maester Seymour.  
  
How could he, a maester of Yevon, kill his father? Even a normal man would not think of a horrendous thing like that, ya? Seymour: I knew he was crazy from the start. Ever since Operation Mi'ihen. Hard to tell sometimes, but with Seymour, I knew. But I couldn't say anything, you know? Being a maester and all, I had to respect him and Yevon. So I held my tongue and watched as Sin demolished the Al Bhed and their forbidden machina along with the Crusaders. I wanted to think that they deserved it. Machina is against the teachings of Yevon, ya? So they should be punished, you know? And the Al Bhed should be punished just for being the Al Bhed. But... After seeing the survivors and how much they suffered, I had a little remorse, you know?  
  
I don't know any more. I really, really don't. Everything has become so confusing and depressing and hopeless and there are times I wish I hadn't become a guardian for Yuna.  
  
But then I look at her and realize how much I care about Yuna. Little Yuna, the daughter of Grand Summoner Braska. Little Yuna who has the determination and the heart to defeat Sin and bring about the Calm. Yuna, I'll know you'll do it. You can, you know? You've got what it takes, ya?  
  
I have made a promise to myself and to Yuna: I will stick by her as long as she needs me. Just like the other guardians: Tidus, Auron, Khimari, Rikku, and Lulu.  
  
Lulu.  
  
I look up at I see you, your beautiful face illuminated by the glow of the fire Tidus so reluctantly made. Do you know how beautiful are? You make the aeon Shiva look like a lanky adolescent, ya? Every time I look at you I feel that I should be bowing to you. Your beauty.  
  
Lu, Lu, Lu. I want to tell you. How I feel, you know? But I can't. It's because of Chappu. I don't need to explain anything to you. You know the story as much as I do, ya? You helped tell the tale. But what you don't know is how much it hurt to watch you and my brother together. I liked you a lot, but I couldn't get as close as I wanted to with you, you know? I didn't want to hurt Chappu. I didn't want to ruin the relationship you two had. So I just sat back and watched. Watched as he made you laugh, made you smile, made you enjoy your life. It hurt me that I was unable to pull these emotions from you. It hurt to see how happy you two were.  
  
So I devoted myself to blitzball instead. Blitzball helped me get my mind off of you, you know? I was just think about the game, the tactics of the game, the players of the game, my ability to play the game. The game, the game, the game. I had my thoughts on repeat only to keep my mind off of you.  
  
And now I've given up the game. I can only think about you. I know I'm supposed to be concentrated on Yuna and her pilgrimage but it's hard, you know? With you here, always near, it feels like I cannot concentrate.  
  
I want you. I want to hold you, to tell you my most hidden feelings about you. I wish I could, you know? Each day, it pierces me further and further, causing more and more pain. I long endlessly to be able to be with you, Lulu. It seems I can only manage two thoughts: the pilgrimage and you. Always you. Blitball and Lulu. Guardianship and Lulu. Sin and Lulu. Chappu and Lulu.  
  
But now Chappu is gone and I am the one left.  
  
I want to forget the past as much as the next person. To be able to forget all of the death I've seen because of Sin, ya? To push aside the people who go against Yevon and to live blissfully in a world where everyone had atoned, the Calm was eternal, and I was with you. But I can't. That is not my world. That is not Spira, ya? I am stuck in this violent reality where everyday it seems to get worse and worse and worse.  
  
I feel myself nodding off and I blink violently in attempts to awaken my tired and worn body. I glance around and see that everyone else has fallen asleep. What do they dream of? Rikku must dream of a world where the Al Bhed are accepted. I know that will never happen, as long as they use machina. Tidus must dream of his lost home, Zanarkand. Who's to say if it's real or not? I can't, you know? Khimari must dream of himself as a large coat, able to protect Yuna from anything and everything. Auron must dream of Lord Braska and Sir Jecht. It's the only two people he talks about, ya? And Yuna must dream of the Calm.  
  
But you, you Lulu, you're awake. Like me, ya? What? Can't sleep? Are you haunted by the memories of these past few days, like me?  
  
With all the strength I have left, I stand up and walk over to you. I give you a smile as I sit down next to you. My heart leaps when I see you return that smile. Yours is small but it's really the thought that counts. The thought. Quality over quantity, ya? The more beautiful they are, the better, ya?  
  
"Hey Lu," I say, my voice barely above a whisper. "Can't sleep, you know? Too many things happening."  
  
"I know, Wakka," Your voice sweeps over me and helps ease my tired muscles. I let out a sigh as the fatigue I had felt earlier slowly ebbed. Just being around you made me feel better. "But you need to learn to deal with these things. Things like this happen to everyone. If you cannot make yourself believe that, just concentrate on Yuna and her pilgrimage. Concentrate on every battle we have. Concentrate on your duty as a guardian to protect your summoner."  
  
"Thanks, Lu," I whisper, letting my head hand slightly. I had come over next to you for a reason. But hearing you had cause reason to escape me. But, thanks be to Yevon, that reason had come back to me. I inhaled as slowly as my lungs allowed me and prepared myself for repent and rejection. "Lu. I need to tell you something. I now you'll want to interrupt, you know? But I ask for you to keep all your words to yourself, okay? Let me finish my thoughts, ya?"  
  
You nod, but there is some confusion on your face. I see your eyebrow not shrouded by hair crease slightly. Believe in me this time, Lulu. Don't let my previous; thickheaded words keep you from believing me now. I mean every word I am going to say to you.  
  
I inhale again.  
  
"Lu, this is going to be hard for me to say, but I'm going to do the best I can. I. I think I love you," Think? A lie. A flat-out lie. "I'm sorry that I'm not certain but with everything that's happened, there are many things uncertain for me right now, you know? But, what I know for sure is that I have a very strong feeling towards you. I think you're beautiful and wonderful," I pause and slowly reach my hand out and touch your shoulder. The confused look grows more and more noticeable. It hurts. You're hurting me, Lu. Can you not tell? Can you not tell all the pain you have put me through? I feel my fingers gently touch your bare shoulder. "I want the relationship you and Chappu had. I want it between us. You and I, ya?"  
  
I leave my heart--wide and open--to you, Lu. Do what you must.  
  
"Wakka, you are not Chappu." One prick. "He has been dead for a while, Wakka, I know this. But you are not Chappu." Prick, prick, prick. Your words are like needles, pricking slowly at my heart. Little but continuous bursts of pain.  
  
I cannot keep myself from moving closer to you. I let my right hand slip around your waist, holding you lightly. Our faced are close. I await for you to push me away.  
  
"Lu, this is the only time I ask this: pretend. Lie to yourself, ya? Lie and think that I am my brother. That I am Chappu." Madness. Pain. Love. Is this what I have become? I beg for you to pretend I'm someone else just so I can share a moment with you? Please refuse, Lu. Please, please, please. I do not want this to be me. I want you to like me for myself, you know?  
  
Try as I might to talk myself out of this, I pull my face close to yours. My mouth hovers dangerously over your own. I long to kiss you. I've wanted to for as long as I cam remember. Just one kiss, Lu. One small, unimportant kiss. Please, Lu. "Lu, live this lie. For me, please."  
  
"Wakka, no." If you were to push me away, my heart would shatter. But you don't. You continue to stay there, with my arm wrapped lightly around your waist and my face close to your own. "I can't, Wakka. I am sorry. I cannot see you as your brother. No one will be able to take your brother's place."  
  
You stand up gracefully. Why Lu? Why can't you move on? I know how much you loved Chappu but there's me, you know? There is always me. The brother. The brother that has always been by your side.  
  
Just one lie. Just for a moment. Just for tonight.  
  
I grab your wrist and pull you back down. Anger flashes in your eyes. I pray to Yevon that you see the sadness in my own. You do. I then lean forward and kiss you softly, taking in every second that I could. I want this kiss to last forever, you know?. I want the feeling of your lips pressed up against mine to last. I pray for you not to push me away. I pray for you to allow me this small moment of happiness.  
  
Lu, hear me. Let me have this. Let me own this kiss. Forget about Sin, forget about the Calm, forget about Farplane, forget about Chappu. Think of me. Think of only me. Wakka, your friend from childhood. Wakka, the man who hurts to see you alone. The man who loves, wants, and adores you.  
  
I almost burst into tears when you kiss me back.  
  
(Author's Note: Am I the only one who thinks there are not enough stories about Wakka and Lulu? My first attempt at a FFX fic. It's okay, I suppose. I probably warped Wakka's character a bit. Alas, that is what happens.) 


End file.
